Writing about yourself is hard

Today I had to write a 150-word bio about myself for a collaboration that is coming up (CAN'T WAIT TO TELL YOU!). I don't know if you've ever had to write a bio for yourself, but for me, the experience isn't pretty. I completely overthink it and I forget positively everything I've ever done. My entire life story becomes this slippery creature that I'm trying to lay hold of, but I can't quite get a grasp on it. In short: I freak the geek out.

So I was bugging while writing this bio, and I decided to distract my strange brain by writing a different kind of description of myself. This one took me five minutes to write while the real one that I actually submitted took me over an hour (more if you count all of the Twitter and Instagram interludes). Please enjoy this unusable nonsense:

Christy O’Shoney is the kind of person who freaks out a little when she has to write a bio about herself. It’s not that she hasn’t done anything with her life. Oh, she’s done things. Once she starred as Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. It was during her senior year of high school, and yes, Toto was played by a real dog. She had to lug that poor thing around stage like a living, snarling sack of potatoes. It was a truly terrible idea to put a live dog in a high school play, and that became evident quite quickly, but you know, hindsight is twenty-twenty.

She grew up in Helotes, Texas, a town named for the Spanish word for “corn”. She always mentions this fact, expecting people to be more interested than they actually are. In her youth, she played softball for seven years, and in all of that time, she honestly never got any better at it. She did, however, win many awards for “Most Spirited.”

Now she’s a writer and stuff. She’s written for sites like Salon and Hello Giggles, and you know, whatever. She doesn’t like to brag about it. She also does comedy things like standup, improv, and storytelling. Again, whatever. She's trying to be humble (largely because she's not sure how cool you think those things are). She writes all the time and sometimes it pays off and sometimes it makes her stress eat salt and vinegar chips. Her husband’s name is Daniel, and he looks like a Disney prince and her cat’s name is Frasier, and he only bites her always.

She lives in Brooklyn. She will live to be 110. 

Oh hey, quick tip before I leave: I'm running a little New Year's sale in my ad shop. Enter code: IMAGENIUS (as in, YOU are a genius. Not me. You.) at checkout for 20% off.