The Best Deals I Found On Amazon Prime Day

I spent a good part of yesterday in a state of temporary insanity. Probably the best evidence of this fact is a series of about a gagillion text messages I sent to my husband even though I knew for certain he was in a meeting. Here are just a few of them:

Are we the kind of people who could use a record player that looks like a briefcase? Yes, right?

Daniel! Daniel! Daniel! A memory foam mattress for JUST $300!!!

Do we need moscow mule mugs? There isn't much time! THE CLOCK IS TICKING!

The reason behind my momentary madness stemmed from the fact that yesterday marked the much-anticipated Amazon Prime Day. Surely, you've already heard all about this historic day. It was the 24-hour sale put on by the folks at Amazon.com in celebration of their 20 year anniversary. In the weeks leading up to it, it was rumored that this sale would be so big, with savings so astronomical that it would rival -- nay -- obliterate any of their Black Friday deals. The confidence and bravado with which Amazon hyped up this event sent savvy shoppers such as myself into a wild frenzy of speculation. What would be on sale? How low would these prices actually be? The world began anticipating this day as though it were the second coming of Christ, or at the very least, a grand opening of a Chick fil A.

But come the day of this momentous sale, many were left with shattered expectations. By now you've certainly seen all of the #PrimeDayFail posts on Twitter and you've read the corresponding Buzzfeed listicles that detailed the general sense of consumer dissatisfaction. By and large, shoppers were less than impressed by what Amazon had to offer. Many likened Prime Day to the clearance shelf at a Ross Dress For Less.

But personally, I think that's a little unfair. I mean, first off, what were you expecting? It's AMAZON, the same place where you can buy chairs shaped like high-heeled shoes and 113 different varieties of bubba teeth. They have never once claimed to be the tastemakers of this great nation.

Second, friends, don't pretend like you didn't buy shit on Prime Day because you SO did. Someone had to because how else do you explain the fact that I was waitlisted for two garment steamers and a neti pot?!

And third, I'm just not sure I agree with the premise that Amazon was only selling a bunch of junk yesterday. I actually found a lot of useful items. For instance, here are some of the best deals I found during my Amazon Prime Day shopping spree:

1. This incredibly necessary crystal ball:

For when you enroll in Professor Trelawney's Divination class. Duh. 

2. This pizza oven which makes the impossible possible:

Pizza? Made in the great outdoors? AND IT'S PORTABLE? I'll take 12!

3. This educational program that DEFINITELY doesn't not work:

If I'd had this eight years ago, I wouldn't have wasted literally thousands of dollars studying Vocal Performance at the Baylor School of Music. 

4. This Public Service Announcement of a t-shirt:

Even though the title of this listing and the actual slogan of the shirt don't seem to agree, I still sympathize with this intensely muscled creature for his inability to keep his clothing intact. Must be rough.

5. This fulfillment of all of my childhood dreams:

I mean, seriously! It only costs $400 to live out every ambition of my eight-year-old self (and by every ambition, I mean only ambition because, as far as I was concerned at that age, owning a personal snow cone machine was the definitive definition of success).

6. Whatever the hell this is:

This purchase probably made someone extremely happy. Not sure who exactly, but still, I'm sure they were jazzed.

7. This sexy lingerie:

For whatever reason, I feel like I saw this image roughly 900 times while sifting through Amazon's Prime Day lightning deals. Not sure why it was never 100% claimed, but perhaps it has something to do with the fact that these bras look like they have been worn by 10,000 different women to the point that they resemble the deflated skins of a twice baked potato. But still, $17, what a steal!

8. These exact replicas of the cast of Twilight:

The designers of these dolls perfectly captured Kristen Stewart's coiffed hair, classic pencil skirt ensemble, and trademark ear-to-ear smile. 

9. This claustrophobic death trap: 

Because $800 is a small price to pay when it comes to sitting in a hot, tiny sweatbox with someone you love.

10. This perfectly marketed set of tube tops:

I can tell that these tube tops come in a pack of 2 because they are being modeled by twins. How else would I have known? HOW?!

11. This majestic work of art:

No joke: I am kicking myself for not buying this. I genuinely think it's amazing. 

12. This tantalizing night gown:

For those inevitable times in life when you need to dress up as a ghost or Ophelia in Act IV of Hamlet.

13: This cup of urine: 

JK. It's just a cup. The urine is sold separately.

So there you have it, folks. In my book, Amazon Prime Day was a total success and absolutely DID NOT cause me to waste 4 hours of my life that I will never get back.

Did you score any Prime Day deals? Tell me all about it!