Thursday, October 18, 2012

Progressively Married at Twenty-Two




“So, you’re married at twenty-two? Why? That seems pretty young.”

This question, before several other logical ones, was the first asked on a phone interview for a nanny position in Austin, Texas back in the fall of 2011. I had just gotten married, and I was looking for transitional work in-between a disappointing stint at Anthropologie and what I assumed would be my big break. To be fair, this mother probably had little-to-no experience with conducting a professional interview, but nonetheless, the question she asked was jarring. Immediately, I was in the position of having to defend a decision that seemed to have nothing to do with my qualifications as a nanny.

I felt slightly electrocuted by this question, but when I think about where she was coming from, I mostly get it. This mom was reading my Care.com profile, saw that I got married right out of college, and suddenly she was picturing me with long fingernails and an ankle-length denim skirt. She’s imagining me teaching her daughter the dangers of book-reading and that belief in dinosaurs is an evil akin to murder. 

Needless to say, I did not get the job. It was at this time that I realized that I was going to need a pre-packaged defense, and whatever it was needed to make me sound as normal as possible. Since moving to New York and starting a job where I talk to new people every day, I am asked the married-at-twenty-two question on an almost-daily basis. Usually people ask it with a face that looks like they just ate a bug. A preemptive response has not really formed yet for me, and it usually goes something like, “Yeah, I know. It’s weird. I mean, I don’t even own a long denim skirt. Wait. I mean, I do, but it’s calf-length. Anyway…and we dated for a long time…and I’m not saying I recommend it for everyone, or anyone even, but you know. It’s just like…”

It also doesn’t help that, at twenty-three-years-old, I look way younger than my age. I don’t know what exactly happened, but at the age of thirteen, my body was like I’m just going to camp out here until you’re thirty, and at that point I’ll just skip ahead to about eighty-three (I’m assuming this is what is going to happen, and I’m terrified). When people ask me why I got married so young, they might also be wondering if it was difficult for me to plan a wedding while teething or if I had my blankey with me on our honeymoon.

But I digress…

I’ve had a pretty long time to process this whole married-at-twenty-two question, and the more I think about it, the more I wonder why I even have to answer it at all. I am supremely proud of my marriage. My husband is brilliant, loyal, strong, patient, hilarious, handsome as a Disney prince, and he legitimately enjoys watching Project Runway with me. Through the six years that we dated, our relationship grew in maturity on a foundation of trust and patience. In terms of my decision to marry him, I am nothing but confident.

Don’t we seem confident? By the way, the thirteen-year-old boy is me and the smoldering gentlemen is my husband. Also, we don’t usually dress this way, but we wish we did.
Throughout our first year of marriage, it has become more and more clear that there exists a kind of quasi-prejudice against women who marry out of college. It’s not so strong that it keeps us from getting work (unless you want to be a nanny for that one lady’s kids, I guess) or that it infringes on any basic human rights, but it is enough to make me, and others like me, feel sort of dismissed.

I was reflecting on these feelings one day when my sister sent me an op-ed piece written by a woman in a similar situation. Her name is Lauren Ambler and she is also married at the ripe age of twenty-two. She titles her piece, I’m Married Young and I’m Ashamed of It, which struck me initially as a tongue-and-cheek way of saying some of the same things that I had been thinking. I thought this girl and I were going to relate, and I would give her a big high-five by way of the comments-section.

Tragically, Lauren Ambler and I do not exactly relate. Feel free to check out her article. Having married her boyfriend under unique circumstances (he needed a visa to stay in the country), she is definitely not exactly like me, but in many ways she is. Like Ambler, I never fantasized as a child about my wedding or even about a husband. I also agree that seeing marriage as a goal is dangerous for women on both an individual and ultimately larger scale. I certainly understand feeling the need to convince my single friends that I am not going to fall asleep if we go get margaritas (I might, but I just have a really strong tequila response).

I do sympathize with some of Ambler’s hesitations about the institution of marriage. We easily recall a time when most women in America married at young ages (a large percentage, as early as nineteen-years-old), never to work towards goals outside of their own homes. If these women did work, it was to bide their time as they prayed against spinsterhood. Homemaking was revered as a woman’s great American duty. While I see absolutely nothing wrong with stay-at-home moms (I know several and they crush it 24/7), I am happy to live in a world with options.

Where I differ most with Ambler, apart from the fact that I totally disagree on her stance that marriage should be open, is when she calls herself a “child bride”. This is the thing that we millenials are constantly criticized for: that we prolong our childhood in a way that makes us helpless even at an age where we should be considered adults. I am not a child. My married friends of the same age are, by no means, children. We are adults who have made a choice, and we are sticking by it.

Now, that being said, I do not think this is for everyone. If it exists, I will not be joining the Coalition to Increase Young Marriages (It doesn’t exist. I just googled it). I think getting married young is largely a mistake for many for the same reasons that some would assume it is a mistake for me. We all know the potential damage that this could cause for a woman. She could drop all of her dreams. She could lose all of her friends. She could decide he’s a skeevy dirt-bag and suffer through a senseless divorce only to find that she has no support left. This kind of thing really does happen all of the time, and it is a shame.

But certainly this is not a uniform fate for every woman who marries young. Certainly there are those of us who feel logically compelled to make this decision based on our lengthy commitment, our unfaltering love for our husbands, and our determination to pursue our passions alongside the ones we love, not despite them.

You might call us the exception to the rule, but I don’t think I even like the rule to begin with. American women are far more progressive than that. Being “single” and being a “spinster” are no longer synonymous terms. You can be a mom and an astronaut and a tattoo artist and a grad student four times over, and in all of that, you don’t have to marry anyone, and everyone is (or should be) totally cool with that. We owe a huge debt of gratitude to those who went before us and awakened the world to a new realm of legitimate options for women.

All I ask is that you at least consider the legitimacy of my option as well. Could we be progressive enough to reappropriate marriage-after-college to be a respectable choice instead of an enslaving fun-sucker? Are we that radical yet?

It probably isn’t entirely fair to appeal to your sense of rebellion. Use that revolutionary instinct to tackle far more important women’s issues, like promoting economic justice and getting Lindsay Lohan back to her Parent Trap days.

Just let me, in all of my marriedness, come with you.

27 comments:

  1. Oh another one of your posts that speaks to my heart! And you and I have shared about young love before... that fateful (and lovely) Halloween party almost a year ago. Wow, both of our lives look quite different from where we were the last time we spoke in person!

    My husband and I started dating at 17, and married at 23 (when I had my hair done for our wedding, another stylist said I didn't look old enough to have a drivers license). I had been teaching for just one year, he'd just graduated with his double major (overachiever from the get-go).

    We've now been married 12 years, together for over half our lives. We are probably at the strongest point in our marriage. We've been through a lot, we've learned a LOT about each other and about ourselves, and we are better people because of our relationship. Cheesy I know.

    Like you said, we had "determination to pursue our passions alongside the ones we love, not despite them." But I have to say, the passions we each have today- together and separate- were not evident 10 years ago! We remark often how amazing it is that we're both open to, say for example, move across the country several times together, or even possibly out of the country sometime in the future (Europe oh Europe how we love thee). This was not something we discussed at the outset of our decision to get hitched. I think this is what goes through people's minds when they hear about two "young in their opinion" people committing to a marriage.

    I admit, thinking back to just how young we were, sometimes I think it's absolutely amazing that we made it. We grew up together, literally. And, I'm sure people who have been married longer than 12 years look at us and think to themselves "man, they don't know anything!"

    Yes, it annoyed me to no end when "older" people treated our marriage with a bit of condescension, and fellow "youngsters" looked at us with a bit of pity. I know exactly how you feel. But now, coming from the older (ahem) angle, MARRIAGE IS A LOT OF WORK. You know that even at a young(er) age, it's not like you're shocked to hear it! But we were fortunate - and worked very very very hard- enough to do our growing together, parallel and perpendicular and intersecting.

    Just know that you two WILL go through ups and downs. And part of those ups and downs will be as you discover yourselves and how you fit in to the world. It's vital to think about the high points when you're at a low point. It's imperative to influence each other, but not deliberately change each other. It's super duper important to communicate, and not let resentment grow. And a million other things I'm not wise enough to know. Yet.

    Yes- 22/23 is YOUNG. In a good way. That's awesome. Enjoy it.

    *This is the longest comment I've ever left on anyone's blog. I know this is all stating the obvious. I just want to validate your thoughts and add my own from my vantage point in these modern times. :-)

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    1. Erin, I will probably go back and read this comment several times over because I LOVE it! Some of the things I probably should have spoken about more are the conditions that are vital for any marriage and one of those is wisdom from others. I so appreciate the way that you just chronicled your experience here in a way that reminds me that I am not alone. I seriously believed when I first started writing this that I might be.

      Another condition that is so necessary is support from family and friends. Since we've moved to New York (and I am sure you can relate), our local support system is a little smaller, so we seriously cling to any encouragement we can get. Thanks for the validation along with the reminder of how to work through this super tough/super rewarding thing called marriage. I pretty much can't think of a better real-life example than you and Mike, and I really look forward to the stage of marriage you guys are in. It pretty much looks like you're having a blast together.

      Also, thanks for the reminder that being young is awesome and that we should enjoy it. Sometimes, because of the way people tend to look at our marriage, I feel like I have to become a fully-formed adult in an instant. Thanks for the reminder to cherish this time.

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  2. Oh my gosh I'm embarrassed that my little ol' comment was so stinking long. I apologize.

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    1. Don't be at all! I need to memorize everything you said in it. It's so great.

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  3. Lovely post. As a person who could give less of a sh*t when people get married (as long as it's not like... 16), I agreed with almost everything you said (I think open marriages can certainly work for some).

    Congratulations on your marriage, and your confidence in it. And your husband IS quite the looker. :)

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    1. I'm really glad this resonated with you, and I'm glad even for your respectful difference in opinion. Also thanks! My husband really is quite the looker.

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  4. As an also-22 year-old (actually 22 years and 2 days) bride, I hear this. Less when in the church bubble, but lately more as I have started my new job. Though, to be honest, people tend to stop checking my belly for a pregnancy when they find out Ted will be a pastor. That's a whole different can of worms.
    I echo all the things you wrote here when I give an answer. The most logical reason I give, however, is this: Say you meet someone you truly enjoy being around when you are 25. You hang out, you date for years, you agree on all the things you should agree on, you push each other to pursue your individual career goals, you have solid communication, etc. So at age 30, you get engaged, and at age 32, married. Perfectly acceptable in our culture today.
    But think about it...will you both be the same people when you reach age 42, respectively? Of course not. The 'tools' (love, faith, communication) you both developed while dating/engaged/married are what carry you both through the changes (and in the Christian's marriage, God), and are ultimately what make you stronger as a family.
    Suggesting a young married person has no opportunity to change and grow the way an older married person has had before they 'settled down' isn't true. A person changes with every passing day, whether single mother, married mom of 6, or nun. And if you meet the one who can support, challenge, love, and walk alongside you at age 17 rather than 27, who's to say the two of you can't make it?
    Ultimately, marriage is a solid answer in a wavering, post modern world, and that makes people uncomfortable. The best answer we can give is that of our lives lived well and honestly.
    Thanks for writing this. I truly can relate, and will be praying for you and Daniel. :)

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    1. Chelsey! Run and tell that!

      That is a beautiful way to think about it, and I love that we can share in this experience. Changes in your personality and preferences are seriously the things people always cite when they put down "young" marriage. But you are right. Change happens all the time, and it should! And yes, because we are married, our changes might influence each other's changes, but that's awesome. I want to be influenced by my husband.

      Blessings on you and Ted! You obviously have such a confidence to your marriage that is so uplifting.

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  5. Once again, Mom reads a blog from you and wonders where you got your unique communication ability from.. I guess, from your Dad. No, that's not right...it's just YOU and you are very special!! I processed this young marriage thing and can truly identify. I married Dad at the ripe old age of 22 after we had both just graduated from college. We celebrated our 43rd wedding anniversary this summer. We definitely did the right thing 43 years ago. Where you and Daniel are concerned....I am glad you all did what was right for you! Now my old fogeyness is going to show. To me it is sad that so many young people today prefer to "live" together so they can get to know each other "better". It's just not the way to go. I won't get all wordy and go on and on but I am so proud of you two.

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    1. Thanks, Mom! You and Dad have been awesome at showing support for Daniel and me. Love you!

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  6. Sounds to me like you just had a head-on collision with the mega-culture-change that started in the middle of the 20th century and continues today. So many things that were considered counter cultural when I was a kid, are accepted convention today...and vice versa. It may be hard to clearly see the shift from a frame of reference of just 23 years. In fact, it is hard from my slightly longer frame. That's why we study history, of course. The culture shift in our lifetimes will someday have a name, like The Reformation or The Renaissance. It is that big. It also developed much faster than some of the other famous ones: The Dark Age or The Age of Enlightenment. Maybe it will be called The Age of What's Happening Now. By the way, each of these culture shifts was tied to some technological advancement. Think Reformation-moveable type. For our most recent shift, there's television, birth control, and nuclear weapons. But that's a book for another time. In the meantime, just know that you are now counter cultural when you express your faith in God, or when you question moral relativism, or when you get married at 22. Welcome to the Revolution.

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  7. Wonderful. As someone who met her husband at 31 and married at 33, I understand that a supportive and loving relationship can propel you towards your own individual goals and interests. And I imagine that is true at any age.

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  8. Love this post. Isn't it funny how being traditiona/old fashioned is now so rebellious?

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  9. As a newly-wedded 22-yr old woman working in the professional world, this article really meant a lot to me. :) I may even feel more confident now when colleagues (and random strangers) ask "Why did you get married at such a young age??" My general response thus far has been strikingly similar to your "I know its weird"/"we dated a long time" piece (just minus the bit about the denim skirt..) ;) But now I can just be like, "Oh, well I'm basicallyyy a Revolutionary, don't worry about it." Thanks for making my day! And P.S. - I just discovered your blog today via pinterest, and I'm officially hooked. You are an excellent writer, my dear! I look forward to following your future posts and continuing to stalk all your old ones!

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    1. Thanks, Becca! It's such an honor to receive a comment like this one. I'm glad to know someone is my same boat and understands what it's like to have to provide a reason for why you're married. Thanks for reading!

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  10. Well I'm officially in love with your blog! I'm a photographer and found your "wedding do-over" post on Pinterest (of course) and sent it to one of my Bride's-To-Be who is currently 21 and a super level headed, career-minded young woman. I can relate to so much of what you've written. My hubby and I are from Oklahoma, married right out of college, and moved away from all that we knew. He's military and while we were stationed in L.A. people could not believe I was married at 24. How silly to ask someone why they got married young. For the same reason older people get married. We're truly in love and can't imagine life without each other. It's so sad there's such a stigma against people getting married at a young age. Good on you for writing about your experiences so eloquently! New fan! :)

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    1. Lindsay, you are far too kind! Thanks so much for the sweet words, and yes so true! How do they expect us to answer? "Um...he rear-ended me and the judge thought a fitting punishment would be marriage..." (I actually might say this next time).

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  11. Found your blog through Pinterest and became a follower after reading through your posts like a chain smoker smoking a cigarette! :) This one in particular I loved. I also got married at 22, but my husband was older ( 27 at the time) so maybe that is why I didn't get too many of these comments. ( That, and to my redneck Michigan family I was already an old maid at 22!)And we have been married for almost 9 years now and together for 11 so...Anyways, just wanted to say you are a WONDERFUL, witty writer and I am hoping to say this without sounding too creepy , but I think we could TOTALLY be friends in real life. :) Ok, I am off to continue to read everything you ever posted.
    Jean
    PS: I think you should TOTALLY use your response above whenever people ask you that question. Hilarious!

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  12. Found you on Pinterest and I can't believe you don't have more followers. I'm officially going to become your newest one. :)

    I was married at NINETEEN (well, about a month short of twenty), and I don't regret it for a minute. We dated/were engaged for nearly two years before we married, and that was plenty long enough to know that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We're kind of cliche' in that we met at a little tiny Christian university (and we have a year to go--I'll be 22 next month), got married two years in, and are now married students. My parents and grandparents did the same thing (at the same school, no less).

    I appreciate your perspective so much. It's nice to see someone else say, "Yes I'm young, but I'm also an adult!" We have a lot of friends who are getting married now that they've graduated, but I'm so glad we had the "head-start" with adulthood that we did. We do our own taxes, pay our bills, work part-time jobs besides going to school, take care of a home, etc, etc. In my opinion, I was super-blessed to be married young just because I get to spend that much more of my life married to the most amazing guy ever. We knew we wanted to get married and we saw no point in waiting any longer than we did. Our parents were totally supportive, and the people who questioned our decision were people whose opinions we didn't care much about anyway.

    Two years into marriage, I know I'm technically still a newlywed, but I can say with confidence it was the best decision I ever made. I'm so blessed to have the husband I do. God is awesome.

    Also awesome is your blog...going to read more posts now! :)

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  13. Christy,
    First off let me say, I absolutely LOVE your blog, I just have found it tonight, but I have already read about 6 different blogs of yours, but this one speaks the loudest to me. I can relate completely. I am only 18 (yeah, I know, I'm a youngster!) and I live with my boyfriend of 3 years. Every time I tell someone elderly, or in their 40's that I live with my boyfriend, they get the awfullest look on their face like I have committed a crime. It just drives me crazy. I will be the first one to tell you, I know I'm young. But, my situation is very unique. I was living in a not so good home with my parents, I was making poor decisions, making bad grades in high school, and miss 30+ days each school year, I was definitely not an overachiever. My second semester of my Junior year, I came home to find that our power in our house was cut off, and my parents where no where to be found. I called Drew (my boyfriend) and he told me to pack a bag for the week that I could stay with him. I stayed for far more than a week, I have been here for over a year now, he just couldn't get rid of me! When I met Drew I was on the verge of dropping out of high school, and settling for flipping burgers at Mickeys D's. After I moved in with him, I began making A-B honor roll, going to school every day, unless I was on my death bed, and I actually graduated high school! He brought out the better of me and pushed me to do what I had always dreamed of! For anyone to say that we are too young, just rubs me the wrong way. Yeah, we are young, but he helped me achieve my goals, if it weren't for him, I don't even know where I would be at right now! I'm sorry I have written a book and told you my whole life story! haha! I just realized how much I rambled on!

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  14. Someone who understands my plight! I got married right after my junior year in college and I faced a wall of "oh hell no's" from my family, friends, sorority sisters, the lady on the bus, etc. If someone had an opinion on it, they made sure that I heard it. It drove me nuts but conveniently, both my husband and I are in the military so we became surrounded by other young couples who just understood. For a lot of those people, I just say that I became a military officer at 22 and work with nukes, I think it's safe to assume that I can make my own decisions ;)

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  15. Hey there! I found your blog a while ago and had it sitting in my little *to read* folder on my bookmarks bar. Im not sure when or how I found it but I am now addicted :-) My husband and I were 22 when we got married (6 months ago) and people are just awful! A good majority of our family and close friends were super supportive and never questioned us. But then we had a not so nice handful of people that are waiting for me to pop a baby out. Jacob and I only dated 10 months before we got engaged and got married 3 months after that. Needless to say, people most definitely thought we were shotgunning our wedding. Especially since we sort of eloped. ( ps i read ur wedding redos and i totally agree on the details things! And the dress - I basically let my mom and mother in laws tears influence my choice and I hate shopping - and I love sales... my dress was super on sale and there were lots of tears and I was tired! So I said yes to my dress.) And no that I am not popping out babies - people seem to think that I need to be a baby making machine since I'm so young ORR they too got married young and think that I should wait a long time and enjoy being young for as long as possible. So many people with pesky opinions... WHY CANT WE ALL JUST DO OUR OWN THING?? ah man. So much Hate. Anyways though, the more I write in this comment the more I realize I know EXACTLY what I'm blogging about next! So thank you for breaking my writers block :-) and thank you for letting me ramble in your comment space.

    With much adoration - Emily @ Rambleeengs

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  16. I just wrote on this exact same subject today!! I am with you!

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  17. It's great to read a post from someone who's story I can identify with. I got married last year, a week before my 22 birthday, but my husband is a few years older than me. I am still in college, which was the main thing that raised concerns. I think people assumed that I would drop out of college due to the distraction of marriage or something...?! The thing is, marriage in college has it's challenges, but so would marriage after college when first beginning a career. I am so happy to be spending these years with my husband. I do think that some women "settle down" after marriage, but my husband and I have similar interests in traveling, etc. that we are so happy to pursue as a unit.

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  19. another one i love! thank you! my fiance and i are 25 and 21 and although i dont feel "too young" i look like im 12 so im super excited for the "cradle robbing" jokes. yes my dress has pampers underneath thanks for asking.
    jess

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  20. I got engaged at 16 and married at 18! I'll be turning 20 soon and I don't regret getting married one bit and it has not stopped me from pursuing my dreams either :) Alhamdulillah

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