Fake Names, Actual Sentiments

Facebook has essentially ruined any memoir I could ever hope to write. As anyone with even the slightest flair for drama knows, the best part of any autobiography is when the writer names names -- when they talk about all the people in their life who screwed them over or who they pretended to like but actually hated or who they pretended to hate but actually loved. Those are the true gems a reader looks for in a memoir. Without this sort of catharsis, memoirs might never be written.

But I have a Facebook profile and so does almost everyone I've ever known (save for some former teachers...You were way too mean, Ms. Schigg!), so now even years later, people don't seem so far away. In just a few clicks, word could get back to Hubert Applecat (fake name) that I actually didn't like all of the Zoolander references (actual sentiment), and then I would get an angry message in my Facebook chat and then I would just feel like the biggest jerk on the planet. But seriously, Hubert...saying or doing "blue steel" was dated minutes after Zoolander's release. I should have told you at the time, but you were handsome.

The thing is, I really don't have anything hateful to say about anyone from my past. I'm not planning on writing Mommie Dearest or whatever Mady Gosselin's inevitable tell-all is going to be titled.

PAUSE. Mady Gosselin. She is one of those creatures who makes a Texas-girl say "bless your heart". If you don't know who I am referring to, good for you. I can be certain that you do not own any seasons of Jon and Kate Plus 8 on DVD (what creep is buying those?). As we all remember, Jon and Kate plus 8 was a reality show on TLC where parents, Jon and Kate, have two sets of multiples (twins and sextuplets) equaling eight children. Anyway, Mady Gosselin is one of the twins, and she is portrayed as the devil. This is mostly because she lashes out at everything, slaps her siblings in the face, and has really severe braces that make her mouth look like a tiny trash compacter. I once saw her kick all of the balloons at her own surprise birthday party. This girl is not messing around. 


But Mady is not without excuse. Jon and Kate Gosselin are easily two of the most hated people in America, I think. On the show, Kate is constantly rolling her eyes and screaming things like "MAKE IT WORK!" only she's not Tim Gunn and it just sounds mean when you say that to a six-year-old. Jon turns into this bluetooth-obsessed-Ed Hardy-shirt-wearing fartface. It's no wonder Mady is so mad all the time. 


Anyway, I went on this rant only because I was searching for pictures of Mady and I found this:

with a caption that read "Mady Gosselin runs off with a new man". And I laughed and laughed. You go, girl. Ride into the sunset with your new man, sober up, and write that tell-all. 

AND WE'RE BACK. 

Anyway, I started thinking about all of this when I realized that I was getting Facebook notifications from a group called "Sandra Day O'Connor Class of 2007". Apparently I joined this group some time ago when it was largely inactive. Now people are posting all over this thing saying things like:

Awww hey my little panthers

I wouldn't be surprised if they made a movie about the class of 2007! 

"Be a leader and not a follower. Let Others Follow You!"

And my personal favorite. A poll which asks:

Best passing period hang out spot?

Mostly though, everyone is giving updates to where they are in life. It's a mixture. Some people have internships. Some have super-impressive jobs. Some are still in school. Some have babies. Some are regressing back into babies. 

There's also a few people who I have no memory of and who maybe never even went to my high school, but it's their word against mine, I guess. 

Found this on Pinterest. Thought it would be appropriate.

Then there are people who I remember vividly.

These are the people who, if I could, I would write little anecdotes about in my memoir. I would talk about how stupidly jealous I was of Jedi Truck (fake name) because she was basically an unapproachably smart and incredibly sweet Disney Princess (real sentiment). I looked at what she was up to these days, and it turns out she is in the super impressive category. Figures.

I would talk about how I daily feared being eviscerated by Wanda Turkelton's (fake name) biting comments about my physical appearance (real sentiment). She's also in the super impressive category.

But I can't, and I would like to think that maybe I wouldn't even if I could. I mean, while these individuals had true influence on my person, I have no desire to sully anyone's name. I also selfishly don't yet want to admit what an idiot I was about certain people. I'll stick with my well-crafted fake names.

It makes me wonder though. Am I a fake name in someone's memoir? And if I am, is it for a good reason like Jedi or a terrible reason like Wanda? Is someone out there hoping for my failure through a post on that Facebook page? 

By the way, I haven't posted on that page. I don't know what I would write. I mean, I could definitely say I'm married now to the boy I'm sure everyone thought I was making up. I could also say I graduated college. I think I'm waiting, though, until I can post something like "I'm basically Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada" and actually mean it. 

And just because I know you've been craving it and because this post is super wordy, here's a picture of me from high school:

Wait. Was I not cool in high school?