Not "a singer." Not "a musician."
I mean, really, I completely set myself up for failure with that goal. It should go without saying that my genetic code is still pitifully the same as it was back then. I did not suddenly morph into the magnificent redheaded creature pictured above (though make no mistake, I can rock a denim blouse like you wouldn't believe).
My life now is way different than the one that I planned for myself when I was a child. If I could travel back in time and tell Little Christy all about her future, I think she would have some big opinions about how things have gone down. Since that's impossible, for the purposes of this blog post, I'll use my childhood pictures to depict her emotional response if such a conversation were to take place.
Hey, Little Christy, it's me -- Future Christy. How you doing, girl?
Nice, nice. You're just chilling with a cat, as per usual, I see. Well, don't worry, girl, I won't keep you for very long. I just wanted to let you know some stuff about your future, if that's cool with you.
I know, I know. You're disappointed. But really, how did you think that was going to go down? Like, it's literally impossible for you to become a different human being. You can't be Reba. Only Reba can be Reba. You didn't think that one through, so that's on you. But good news though, while you may not become Reba McEntire, you will become -- get this -- A WRITER.
What? You don't think that's cool?
Okay, well, I guess you have a point. Being a writer is almost never glamorous, and you basically live in constant fear that you'll never get work again. Plus, whenever you meet new people, you always have to answer the question, "Have I read anything you've written?" (for the record, the answer is usually no). But get this -- you're going to live in New York City!
I know! I'm psyched too! It's definitely cool, but just so you know, you don't live in an apartment anything like the one Tom Hanks has in the movie Big.
Look, New York is expensive. Not everyone can have an elevator and a trampoline in a loft on the Upper West Side. But listen, you live in Brooklyn, one of the most diverse areas in the world. I mean, you live less than 15 minutes away from what has been deemed the best pizza in New York City.
Yeah, I see you licking those lips, girl. I got your attention now. Well, how about if I told you that your neighborhood, Ditmas Park, is one of the few designated historic districts in NYC?
Okay, cool it with the fake snoring. It's not as cute as you think it is. But I got it, you haven't developed a love for history yet. That's fine. Let's see, what else, what else....OH! You get married!
And your husband looks like THIS (click the link, Little Christy):
I know, right?! Also, he makes really delicious casserole.
Man, this whole husband thing might be the only thing you approve of, but trust me, there is more to life than having a super hot man around to cook you casserole. The thing is, Little Christy, your future will definitely be different than the one you've been planning. For instance, I know you have your heart set on it, but you are not going to have a moon bounce at your 21st birthday. In fact, from here on out, each birthday you have is less of a celebration and more of a reminder that you are crawling closer and closer to the grave.
OH, aaaand spoiler alert -- the Spice Girls break up.
Cool, well, I'm going to go, kid. This was kind of a waste of time. Hope I haven't left you in a confusing state of anger and despair.
In general, I think Little Christy is pretty pissed with the prospects of her future, but she'll get over it. What would your childhood self think of the life you're living?