Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Is It Just Me: The dream version of my husband is a jerk!

I've done enough humble bragging on this blog for you to know by now that my husband is top notch in my book. He's brilliant, respectful, kind, and handsome as a Disney prince (a combination of Prince Eric and Aladdin, if you want to get specific). He's also hilarious. Like, outrageously so. Take for instance this conversation we had over the weekend:

Amazing, right? Also, if you're wondering what a marmoset looks like, here you go:

Via marmosetmom.com | By the way, New York City would be the perfect place to raise this guy.

So in my waking life, I walk around feeling like I've won the lottery with this husband of mine. But in my dreams, it's not always the same story. In fact, Dream Daniel, the one who I meet after I enter REM sleep, is kind of an ass.

Now, something to note: I am a vivid dreamer. Almost every night I have memorable dreams, oftentimes recurring ones. For instance, I frequently dream that I'm about to graduate, but it turns out I can't because somehow I've completely neglected to attend one of my classes. Oh no! I totally forgot that I signed up for that Folklore Criticism course!

I also have dreams related to wedding planning. I've been married for almost three years, but something about the anxiety of putting together a wedding still resonates with me. It's usually about some huge oversight that I realize on the day of the wedding -- I've forgotten to buy a dress, get a marriage license, or invite my family and friends.

For some reason, if Daniel shows up in one of these dreams of mine, it's like he's the anti-Daniel (or Bizarro Daniel, if you will). He's rude, careless, and selfish. For instance, say he makes an appearance in one of my wedding stress dreams -- first off, because my subconscious makes some pretty corny and obvious associations, he usually shows up looking like this:

Via weheartit.com
Classic bad boy.

Then when I approach him about how all of my wedding plans are falling apart, it usually goes something like this:

Me: Daniel! We forgot to invite people to our wedding AND I didn't buy a dress! I'll probably have to walk down the aisle naked!
Daniel: (leans against a wall and takes a long drag on his cigarette) No problem, babe.
Me: No problem? We need to reschedule!
Daniel: No, we don't. 
Me: We don't?
Daniel: No, because we're not getting married.
Me: (suddenly naked) We're not?
Daniel: Nope. Look, I've decided I only want to marry cool girls. You know, like, girls who don't cry during commercials or take cat pictures.
Me: But...I thought you liked cat pictures...I thought...
Daniel: Well, you thought wrong. (snaps fingers) Let's go, Bigger-Boobed Christy. (a woman enters who looks exactly like me only she has giant boobs and she's wearing a leather pantsuit a la Olivia Newton John at the end of the movie, "Grease")
Bigger-Boobed Christy: Coming, baby!
(they exit together and all of my teeth fall out)

So that might be a bit dramatic, but that's kind of how it goes. Whenever Dream Daniel shows up, I can pretty much count on him to be an outrageous jerkhole. Then I wake up, and I find myself inexplicably angry with him, trying to sort out if anything I just experienced was real. Then real-life Daniel makes me pancakes and tells me I'm beautiful even though I slept in my makeup and it's smeared all over my face. Then I remember that he's awesome, and I eat pancakes, and I'm over it.

Still, I can't help but wonder why my husband, a man who is by all accounts saintly, appears in my dreams as this villain. In my waking life, I don't fear that he will run off with a big-boobed greaser or that he doesn't actually like the pictures I take of my cat (he takes more than I do!), but in my dreams, he's always pulling crap like that. Without overanalyzing it, I've just decided that Dream Daniel is a necessary evil in my life. He exists to illuminate how great Real Daniel is. Right? I hope so.

Anyway, does anyone else have experience with this or, is it just me? (By the way, doesn't that question have the makings of becoming a fantastic new series on this blog? I think so.) 

Is your significant other a dreamboat in real life but a buttface in your dreams? If so, why do you think that is? Is it just me, or is this a thing?

By the way, my hubs gave me his expressed permission to post this not-so-glamorous depiction of him. After all, it's Dream Daniel who is ruining things, not Real Daniel. 


  1. This is so funny because my husband when I dream is a total jerk too!!! Dream Taran really needs to step it up

  2. Bahahahaha that's hilarious! I Have yet to have dreams where my boyfriend is a jerk, but I'm sure they are to come. My sister, though, always dreamt that the guy she was dating was a jerk. It turns out he was, but that's a story for another day.

  3. I've had a few dreams where my boyfriend was a jerk. But none as elaborate as yours! Maybe you're right, and the dreams exist to remind you how good real life is.

  4. Oh man. That's awesome/terrible. Ted and I are both deep sleepers, so we rarely remember our dreams. (Or does that mean we're light sleepers? I'm not sure.)
    Ted does have two entertaining sleep quirks, though. First, he can fall asleep at the drop of a hat, and that is not an exaggeration. He can quite literally fall asleep mid-sentence and then wake up 20 minutes later and continue on in his train of thought.
    The second is that when he is actually having a dream, he gets really physical. (Get your mind out of the gutter! Or don't; we're married.) He will dream that I am falling off a mountain, or out of a boat, or trying to jump out of a moving car, and he will grab me, hard. Which is sweet, I guess, but when it's dead quiet at 3 AM and I'm suddenly unable to breathe because my bear-man of a husband is squeezing me around the neck, I get unsettled.

  5. My husband when I dream is also a jerk. Although it's not so much that he does jerkish things to me as he just refuses to help me with whatever series of tasks Dream Me is trying to accomplish.

  6. This is so fabulous!!!! I really think you should buy a marmoset! That guy looks totally fun.
    And my husband is so mean when I'm asleep also! That totally must be a thing. Sometimes I wake up and don't realize it was a dream and I'm super mad at my husband for doing whatever he did in my dream. Not good. And I always have that dream where I forgot to go to class the whole semester. Mostly it's evil dream husband's fault.

  7. Christy - my sister-in-law sent me to your blog (she used to work with you at camp). This was the first post I had read (which is so hilar and I definitely had my husband read too), and have kept coming back for the last month. We recently made our first move across country (been married just over a year) and I'm exploring blogging as a career. You have great insight about that here, so I appreciate that! I'll be glad to keep coming back for more great, and funny reads!


  8. omg, yes! I actually just woke up from one of my dreams, so I can allaborate on it, exscuse my punctuation mistakes i'm on a mobile phone. There was a girl, when we were both in highschool (now were in college) who had huge boobs and just the body of a goddess who liked him. I really REALLY did not like her because although they were just friends, theyd speak somewhat frequently. In my dream last night, for some reason we were back in highschool and taking a trip to an actual african safari (god knows why), and it was winter. in africa. Right before we board the tour bus, let's just call her 'sally' walks up to him and greets him, saying she hadnt seen him in forever, and she chit chats with me a bit about somethings she talked to him about telling me before she moved away, which were minor things, as she grabbed his arm. I honestly could have died as i walked onto the bus & was totally pushed out of their conversation. Then, they sit down together on the bus & she holds his hand and curls up onto him and totally ignores me. I got pretty mad, though in reality i would have just sobbed and ran away, which is why my boyfriend in reality is so sweet and kind to me (he's pretty prince like too if i say so myself), and i yelled at him that i was his girlfriend and i was right there, why would he sit with another girl?! to this he replied "im just catching up with an old friend, stop being so jealous!" Then i turned in my seat in anger and he got up abruptly, coming to sit beside me. " for this ride i'll sit with you, but for the next i'll sit with sally." i got angry and said that she was all over him and how could he have not seen it. Then, he stormed off to the back of the bus and of course i'd follow him. He somehow got behind me again and went to sit with her. It upset me so much i started to cry and a friend consoled me. Then, out of nowhere i got off of the bus out of anger in the middle of the night and he didnt even come after me. Though I know in reality hes a sweetiepie who would be heart broken if i even shed a tear, i was so angry with him this morning!


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