Butt-Destroyed Office Chair Gets a New Look

Have you ever completely destroyed a chair with your big ol' butt?

Allow me to rephrase that.

Has your big ol' butt -- proud and wondrous as it is -- has it ever worn down a humble office chair over a period of a few years?

Well, mine has. And if you've read this blog for any period of time, you'll note that this isn't the first time that my butt has won out in a war between itself and a chair. It's a lifetime struggle that I am sure will haunt me for the rest of my days.

I'm not fully sure how long I've had this particular chair, but as you can see in the above picture, it has seen better days. You may be wondering what explosive event caused such a giant rip in its upholstery, and friends, that is a fair question. But let me assure you that this bizarre injury happened gracefully over time. Every day that I sat down to write the next great American novel/read a Buzzfeed post was a day closer to this chair's demise.

And I could totally just throw it out, but forget that -- I'm a blogger. And bloggers don't throw things away. They upcycle. They DIY. They take things that are on the verge of uselessness and breathe new life into them.

So I grabbed a staple gun, some fabric I had lying around the house, and I set out to Frankenstein the shit out of this god-awful chair.

The first thing I did was remove the rest of the upholstery. This probably wasn't necessary, but man, it was really cathartic. Please ignore the awkward oil stain that I discovered on the chair after this process was completed.

From there, I laid out my fabric and cut all around the seat with the carelessness of a toddler. I hope you've never mistaken me for a professional.

Afterwards, I laid the chair on its side and began stapling. 

It was at this time that I encountered a snag in my plan: it turns out I'm afraid of staple guns. I would pull the trigger, and immediately my mind would be transported into a world where one of those staples got lodged in my hand or my eye or my stomach. In general, I have never been a fan of guns. Rifles, staple guns, laser guns -- they all feel awkward in my dainty hands.

When it came time to smooth out all the wrinkles, I may or may not have called in reinforcements.

But whatevs, y'all! The chair is done, and here's what she looks like:

Give my butt a few years, maybe even months. It will eventually win another war with this upcycled chair, but in the meantime I am going to sit in this thing without a care in the world.

By the way, these pictures were taken in my NEW apartment in my NEW office, and while you're getting a sneak peak here, stay tuned for an epic NEW HOME post.