If I Had It To Do All Over - Wedding Planning PART TWO

In second grade, I got a pencil stuck in the palm of my hand for about an hour, and that is the last time I remember being as popular as I have been in the past month. Overnight, one of my blog posts started making the rounds on Pinterest, and BLAM-O, I had a bunch of new followers. Welcome, new friends! What are your names? Where are you from originally? Tell me two truths and a lie (or just a bunch of lies, if you want. I'm not going to fact-check.).

Anyway, this post is a continuation from the original, If I Had It To Do All Over: Wedding Planning. Now, I will give you the same warning I did in my first post. Don't mistake these wedding planning regrets as regrets over my marriage. That is not the case. My husband is kind of the grand prize of husbands. I mean, just look at this guy:

Nope. No regrets whatsoever.

But a few months after I got married, everyone started getting Pinterest accounts (this was around the same time that mason jars started being utilized for things other than pickling) and that's where most of my regrets stem from. None of these are things that keep me awake at night, but if I can help anyone feel more confident about their creative choices on their wedding day, that sounds pretty great to me.

Anyway, let's do this.

Do-over #8 (I left off at #7 on the first post): I would have shopped around for wedding dresses.

It is possible that I have seen every episode of Say Yes To The Dress. I don't really know why. I am mostly bored and horrified by some of the friends and mothers on that show...like this one: 

Is this not the exact reaction you hope to hear from your mother?

This exasperated mom is definitely not a fan of this perfectly lovely strapless dress worn by her disappointment of a daughter, Kelly. By the way, be sure to watch the above video roughly 145 times in a row, if possible. Each time you do, you will gain a new appreciation for the disdain with which the mom says KELLY. Also note Kelly's laugh as she puts her hands on her hips. She could not care less.

But anyway, for as much as Say Yes To The Dress should have prepared me for this sacred moment in a woman's life, I still don't think I did it right.

Here's how it went down:

I took two of my bridesmaids, my sister (also a bridesmaid), and my mom to a giant store in Austin. We waded through the sample dresses like we were walking through a magical forest and picked out the ones that we could discern as acceptable. In the midst of all of this, a sales associate selected a couple herself and then she ushered me to a dressing room. I wasn't wearing any of the right underthings, so she basically got an eye-full of all my best bits and pieces. I kept apologizing, and she kept saying wonderful cliches like, "You've got nothing I haven't seen before."

I tried on a few, and every time I tried on one of my friend's picks, they were like YES, YES THIS IS THE ONE. And I was like...meerrrr...maybeeeeee.

But then the sales associate brought in a new dress (which I suspect she had been keeping from me all along for dramatic effect). I tried it on, and I kind of had that moment of...Oh hey, that's my body in a wedding dress...and it looks really good...I could wear this on my wedding day...hey...I'm getting married...to a man...a man I love! Look at meeee!!

I walked it out to the rest of my group, and while no one began convulsing or anything, everyone was in agreement that I looked awesome. In total, I tried on maybe 5 dresses.

Now, this is totally a personal preference, but I really wish I hadn't made my decision that day. It was my first experience shopping, and I was so overwhelmed by it all. Not only do I wish that I had shopped somewhere else in addition to that place, but I also wish I had tried a different kind of store altogether -- a small boutique or some place more modern. I might have landed on the exact same dress, but I would have felt a peace-of-mind knowing that I couldn't get that dress out of my head.

And, by the way, I love the women I shopped with. They were perfect on this day. Not too pushy, very good listeners. But I wish I could have just gone with my mom. She's seen Say Yes To The Dress too, and that day, she was doing everything she could not to be an overly opinionated you-gotta-be-kidding-me-kelly kind of mom. She was basically an angel, but in that, I didn't get to have a quiet moment with her to really reflect on the tradition and meaning of the whole event.

I'm into that kind of thing though. If you're not, you do you.

Do-Over #9: I would ask my friends to be my bridesmaids in some deliberate way.

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I like a lot of what it is happening in the above picture save for the word "maid". To me, that word is synonymous with "housekeeper" which is a fine profession, but you don't really need to paint a box to ask someone to be your housekeeper. If you want to ask someone to be in your wedding, say "bridesmaid" so that it doesn't feel all Downton Abbey up in here.

But anyway, that's beside the point. Making a cute little box with little remembrances and letters to ask your friend to be a bridesmaid -- that is the way to go.

The way I did it is not necessarily wrong. Basically, I just straight up asked them. Some, I asked over coffee. Others, I conveniently asked in the midst of a great conversation wherein I was thinking about how much I loved them. This happened with my friend Kaley who I asked to be my maid of honor while standing in a bathroom. She mentioned this during her speech at my wedding, which probably should have made me slightly embarrassed, but I had lost all self-awareness at that point.

This is pretty much how I felt the entire time at my wedding: deliriously happy knowing that I looked good and everyone loved me. 

The women who you ask to be in your wedding party are unique creatures in your life. They have been in the trenches with you. They love and support your relationship with your husband. They know you. They have literally watched as boogers fall out of your nose and into your mouth as you are crying. These women deserve to be shown some serious love before and during your wedding.

Which reminds me...whichever bride first decided to write heartfelt letters on the bottoms of your bridesmaid's shoes...

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...I love you in that I think you are probably an incredibly thoughtful person who I would love to spend some quality time with. I am frustrated with you because almost nothing in this world has made me want a time machine more than the above picture. Why. Did. I. NOT. Do. This?!

Do-Over #10: I would wait a day to leave for my honeymoon.

We woke up at 5:30 AM the day after our wedding to catch a plane to Playa Mujeres, Mexico.

The view from our balcony at Excellence Playa Mujeres

You might not want to wait to get going on your trip either after seeing the above picture, but believe me, you should because the thing about having the best day of your life is that you are exhausted by the end of it. You have spent the entire day of your wedding getting ready, the entire evening partying with your favorite people in the world, and the entire night doing some very grown up things. By the time it's all over, you're like:

Waking up at 5:30 AM the day after your wedding feels like waking up in the midst of the zombie apocalypse. You will not be able to recognize any person around you, not even your new husband, as someone who loves you and does not want to eat your brains. Everyone is the enemy at 5:30 AM the day after your wedding. There is really no reason that you should know what the world looks like at that time ever, especially the day after your wedding.

Just sleep in, stay in bed all day, count each other's fingers and toes (or whatever it is you do alone as a married couple), and leave the next day at 10 AM.

Stay in Playa Mujeres for as long as you can, and while you are there, consider never leaving.

Do-Over #11: I would skip out on the unity candle.

If you get to a part of your wedding ceremony where you think to yourself why am even I doing this? chances are, you shouldn't be doing it (I am hoping that in your case you are not asking this question about getting married in general).

We had that moment when lighting our unity candle. Everything up until that point had been all about gracefully holding hands, looking longingly into each other's eyes, and feeling like every moment had incredible meaning.

I could have done this all day.

When it came time to light the unity candle, we were kind of like, oh wait, we have to do something now? Our flow was just totally interrupted. We waddled over to the little table, fumbled with the candle sticks, said aloud, "Are we doing this right?", lit the big candle, narrowly missed setting my dress on fire, sweated a little bit, and then waddled on back to our spot in front of our pastor. It felt absolutely pointless.

My point is this: Wedding traditions are great, but feel free to skip out on the ones that are just not right for you. Even when we were planning our ceremony, I was not on Team Unity Candle. Nothing against anyone who has done it for their wedding. Several of my friends went the unity candle route, and they loved the symbolism. But it just wasn't for us.

If it's not for you either, try planting a tree, painting a picture, or if you're really awesome...

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...do what this couple did and have a Unity VOLCANO!

Or just don't do anything at all. Cross my heart, no one will notice and if someone does say something to you about it, feel free to have some body-builder cousin remove them from the wedding.

Do-Over #12: I would hug my mom and dad before getting in the getaway car.

This is probably a no-brainer to you because you are not a heartless monster like me, but y'all, hug your parents before you leave your wedding. As soon as we drove off, I realized immediately that I had not done so and I almost made Daniel drive back. 

It's an easy thing to forget because, if you're lucky, this is what your exit will look like:

Sweaty bubble MADNESS! 

How can you remember your own name in this mass of insanity, let alone, remember the fact that you have parents who changed your diapers and sent you to college? 

Regardless, find them and hug them. Assuming you have good parents, they are worth honoring in this way. Also, parents, make yourselves findable and huggable! I'm not sure my mom and dad were even around in this mess of people, so had I remembered, I would have had to wait for them to push through the mob scene. 

P.S. While we are on the subject of getaways, I would also change into a comfortable exit dress. Before my wedding, the thought didn't even cross my mind. This is the most expensive thing I've ever worn! I am keeping it on until it disintegrates. But by the end of the night, that dress was basically just a huge sweaty curtain clinging to my body. To me, there are only two options: change your dress or be less of a sweaty person.

Do-Over #13: I would have remembered certain details.*

I had a fiesta-themed wedding and no piñata! Again, this will not be the death of me, but how cool would it have been to smash a piñata while wearing a wedding dress?!

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Answer: So damn cool. Man, this bride just gets it. You can also use the piñata as a substitute for cutting the cake together, which as I'm sure you can imagine, feels plain weird. Why is it that I have been cutting cakes just fine on my own my entire life, and now that I'm married, suddenly I'm too weak to do it by myself? It just doesn't seem right. 

Anyway, the silver lining is that we had little piñatitas on the tables. They were kind of the cutest thing I've ever seen. 

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Another fiesta-related detail we missed...we didn't have a mariachi band!

Okay, cool it, Julia Roberts. A mariachi band would have been great, but again, it's not the worst thing in the world. 

There were also some details that we did plan for and then just totally forgot about the day of. For instance, we had this strange obsession with getting the groomsmen to wear matching socks so that they could take a picture like this:

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We bought the socks, handed them out to the groomsmen to their giddy surprise. We also bought a fancy sombrero with which to take quirky fiesta pictures with. Then, the day of, no one told the photographer about any of this stuff.

And by the way, we had the best photographer, I think, ever (Lauren Guy Photography...Texas wedding or event? Check her out). But even the best photographers in the world aren't mind-readers. How was she supposed to know these guys were wearing matching socks or that I had secret dreams of wearing a sombrero with a wedding dress? If you have specific requests like this, tell your photographer. They would be happy to hear it. 

Again, silver lining, all of my pictures were better than I could have ever planned for them to be. Your photographer always knows better. 

*Here's the thing about this do-over that made me hesitate to even write it -- Try as you might, you are going to miss some details. Two weeks from your wedding, you are going to realize that one thing that was so blatantly obvious that you can't believe you missed it. 

But who cares? You're married. 

My heart breaks for the woman who plans so feverishly for this one amazing day that she hardly has a moment to contemplate how different everything is going to be for the days that follow. Marriage is this beautiful, powerfully confusing, sometimes nauseating, complex covenant that has an effect on us in profound ways that we are all woefully unprepared for. It is something with gravity. It is something worth your meditation. It is something precious, but it is also something hard. 

If you miss every single detail of your wedding, but you honor your marriage for the rest of your life, I say, best wedding ever. 

If I think of anymore Do-Overs, you'll be the first to know. I hope that in some way my experiences have been able to help give you a peace of mind for your special day. Trust me. You're going to be fine. Just don't trip, and if you do trip, turn it into some kind of artful tumble, if you can. 

And by the way, to be sure, I also did a lot of things totally right at my wedding. To bring this mother of a blog post on home, here are my....

Wedding Do-All-Over-Agains:

1. I would skip the receiving line and just dance with everyone instead.

And I would be sure to make this fabulous face as often as possible.

2. I would serve alcohol...because dancing.

3. I would use cornhusk flowers for my bridesmaids bouquets because they are on-theme and super cost-effective.

4. I would relish in public displays of affection.

5. I would request that my maid of honor wear the following hat while we get ready.

6. I would blow this fan up my dress because Texas is hot, y'all.

7. I would write my husband a letter for him to read while he's getting ready.

8. And speaking of my husband, my Lord, I would marry that guy all over again and again and again.

Please be sure to pin this on Pinterest so that other brides can learn from my mishaps! 

Also, if you're liking this advice and the baby GIFs, feel free to follow Avoiding Atrophy (you can do so on the right-hand side of this page). 

Thanks for being here today, and special points to anyone who actually made it through every word of this thing. 

Looking for more of my wedding wisdom and tips? Check out Avoiding Atrophy's wedding section! 

Coming Soon...Do-Overs Part 2: Cruise Control

I have a friend who is the best kind of cinephile. She knows everything about every movie you've never heard of, but she isn't one of those jerks who makes you feel bad about not being able to name a Stanley Kubrick film. That's important to me because I went to school with a lot of film snobs. Of all of the movies that she has seen in her lifetime, her favorites are not some obscure collection of german silent films or film noir classics. Instead, she has a strange and wonderful propensity for the most overlooked subclass of movies, the ones that will sadly almost never be nominated for any academy awards.

Her favorites are SEQUELS (particularly, for whatever reason, sequels starring Steve Guttenberg).

I always thought this to be such an interesting quality in a true lover of movies. I mean, let's be real. Almost no one actually likes sequels for obvious reasons.

There is always that slight stench of desperation that exists when a studio tries to use the same formula from an original blockbuster (this actor + this situation + 1/4 of the budget = everyone gives us money again please?).

Just...but like...how?

Sometimes the sheer existence of a sequel can effectively ruin the original.

Star Wars community, just pretend you never  met this guy (and yes, I know this one is technically a prequel).

And honestly, the story lines in a lot of sequels are so impossibly ridiculous that it can end up feeling like a total insult to your intelligence.

Like, just stop getting on motorized vehicles, Sandra Bullock.

But when I think about my friend's love for sequels, I really kind of get it. First off, you get to see your favorite characters all over again. It's like saying goodbye at graduation and then going out for ice cream afterwards. Second, sequels seem to somehow take themselves less seriously. If sequels were a person, it would probably be this guy:

Meet Sequels: The Person. He's like...I don't know. What do you want from me? I'm just a guy in a turtleneck. Now, let's make a movie and release it straight to video and watch it intermittently during a nap! 

The people who make sequels have to know by now that, for the most part, nothing really beats the original. I feel like sequels are just a time for characters to be able to play together again, and at the end of the day, is that really so bad?

 And who knows? Every now and then you get a sequel that surpasses the original.

Speaking of sequels, I'm preparing to write one myself. A lot of you read my post, If I Had It To Do All Over: Wedding Planning, in which I laid out some things I might have done differently from my wedding. I was overwhelmed by the response from you guys (over 100,000 views and counting)! After I posted it, I thought of quite a few more things to add to my list, so I've been thinking...why not make a Part Two?!

It could be a Home Alone 2 masterpiece or it could be a Jar Jar Binks-level catastrophe. I don't really care either way. I'm that guy up there shrugging my shoulders in a loose-fitting turtleneck. Let's do this. 

Next time on Avoiding Atrophy...

Liebster Award

I have had several friends from different parts of the country tell me that they are finding pictures of me, my husband, and our fiesta-themed wedding on Pinterest!

So happy to see that this picture is making the rounds...

My last post hopefully gave you an indication of just how thankful I am to everyone who has been reading Avoiding Atrophy, but to be honest I also have been feeling a little daunted. I mean, what on earth am I supposed to write next?

Thankfully, I don't even have to worry about conjuring up the next great American blog post because I have been given a prompt!

Let me explain.

Ashley, the author of the blog Horseshoes and Pearls, stumbled across Avoiding Atrophy recently and graciously decided to nominate me for the Liebster Award.

Now, I'm pretty new to the world of blog awards, but according to Ashley, the Liebster Award is given to bloggers with less than 200 followers (that's me, for now...until you follow me!) in order to promote growing blogs and connect with other bloggers. "Liebster" in German means "dearest", "beloved", "favorite", and, as a quick Google search informed me, "boyfriend".  

As we all know, in the world of blogging, nothing is free (that's not true. Blogging is inherently free, but just go with it). This Boyfriend Award comes with a set of rules. Thankfully, none of them involve selling organs or anything even that complicated at all.

The Rules

1. Link back to the person who nominated you (check)

2. Write 11 facts about yourself

3. Answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you

4. Nominate 11 blogs with 200 or less followers. Notify them.

5. Create 11 questions for those bloggers you've nominated to answer.

Let's do this.

The Facts

1. I have stress dreams wherein I am elected President of the United States through a Facebook election. I then have to make a speech that goes something like...Thanks, y'all...but I'm, like, really busy.
2. I have a cat named Frasier, named after Dr. Frasier Crane of the sitcoms Frasier and Cheers. 
3. I am an expressive introvert. 
4. Diet Dr. Pepper has left me with a caffeine addiction that I fear I will never overcome.
5. I often brush my teeth in the shower.
6. I have never met anyone from Wyoming, and I'm not sure I want to.
7. I go to Dunkin Donuts at least 8 times a week.
8. I once auditioned to be a bilingual puppeteer, and I was rejected. Their loss. 
9. I met my husband when I was fifteen-years-old...at summer camp.
10. I regret not taking dance classes growing up. I am naturally a pretty sick dancer. I imagine I could be Beyonce's back up dancer by now if I'd had just a little bit of training. 
11. Many people say I bear a striking resemblance to Josh Groban.

I like to think that this does not mean that I look like a man but rather that he looks like a girl,
but really, I think we are both working it. 

Ashley's Questions

1. What was your most embarrassing moment growing up?

Let's go through my rolodex of humiliation real quick...

Ah, yes. Well, I recently wrote about a time where I was cast as Cher in a 5th grade variety show. I wore my thirty-year-old music teacher's dress which fit like a glove, and I basically got laughed off stage (long version here). That's a little subjectively embarrassing though...

Oh, here's a good one. Once, when I was seven I entered a beauty pageant called Little Miss Helotes (for some ungodly reason) wherein I did my beauty walk with my dress tucked into my pantyhose. In the interview portion of the competition, when I was asked what I liked to do, I cryptically responded, "I can't say..."

I think in my head "I can't say" meant "I don't know, but I'm going to say 'I can't say' because that sounds like something a grownup would say" but really, it just sounded like, "I can't say because I like to do really creepy things like burn my Barbies and collect bellybutton lint in jars."Again, everyone in the audience laughed uncontrollably.

2. If you could pack up and move anywhere you want, where would it be?

I did that! I moved to New York City -- a city that had me at Muppets Take Manhattan.

3. If you could swap lives with someone for a week, who would you swap with?

I make it a habit to be pretty happy with who I was created to be, but let's be for real -- for one week, I'd love to be somebody who has got it all figured out.

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For those of you who don't recognize the above creature, that's Gary Busey. He's fresh on my mind because I've been watching him on this season of Celebrity Apprentice: All-Stars. 

Gary Busey is pure Id. What this man wants, he gets. If he wants to tickle a stranger, he doesn't even hesitate. If he wants to spout incoherent nonsense for minutes at a time, no one's going to stop him. If he wants to turn a word into an acronym for pretty much no reason, he gets after it. 

There is a lot about Gary Busey's life that I would not want to imitate, but for a week, I would take his unabashed freedom to do or say whatever I felt like. 

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4. Did you play any sports growing up?

I played softball for seven years out of my life. The sport gave me muscular legs and a hatred for itchy socks. Fun fact: I was terrible at it.

5. What was your first vehicle?

It was a green '96 Toyota Camry - the exact make and model that my older sister had. There was nothing even weird about it. It was just an awesome first car.

I miss it sometimes.

6. If you won the lottery tomorrow, what would be the first thing you buy and/or do?

My husband asked me this once and I said that I would get a personal trainer. I then asked him the same question and he said he would buy us a house, and that's when I realized I am incredibly selfish.

At this point in my life though, I would go on vacation IMMEDIATELY. I don't care where. There just better be sangria, so I guess Spain?

7. What's your favorite meal? (Share the recipe if you can/want to)

I think all of the love I got with this Liebster award is quickly going to dissipate after this next sentence. I don't really cook much at all. My husband cooks a lot for me, and we have a lot of staples. We make this Cheesy Chicken and Rice Bake sometimes that makes me pretty happy. 

I'll get back to this one...

8. Do you have any fears/phobias? If so, what are they?

I have a lot of the normal fears like the fear of not being good enough and fear of the dark. I also have some stranger fears like the fear of people wearing animal costumes and the fear of falling asleep on the subway and ending up in the Bronx (no offense Bronx...love your zoo).

I think I've said this before.

9. If you were to sing karaoke, what would you sing?

When I go to karaoke, I have a few go-tos.

1. Call Your Girlfriend - Robyn
2. Proud Mary - Ike and Tina Turner
3. Goodbye Earl - Dixie Chicks (I do not espouse the sentiment of this song, but it just makes for good karaoke) 

10. Name one thing on your bucket list and why it's important to you.

I'd like to somehow come into a lot of money and be able to buy something awesome for my parents like a house or a nice truck or something. This gesture would be meaningful to me for two reasons. 

1) My parents have provided for me in incredible ways over the years. They helped send me to an amazing university (Sic 'em, Mom and Dad!) and they dedicated so much time to helping me grow into a decent person. They deserve to get something back. 

2) Being able to do this probably means I'm famous, which sounds pretty great right about now. 

11. If you could give any advice to new bloggers, what would it be?

Just a few short weeks ago, I would have had no way to answer this question, but now that I have some pretty regular viewers, I've got a little bit of insight. First off, write something good that a select group of people want to read (brides, food-lovers, golf enthusiasts, economists, etc.) and then PIN THAT JUNK ON PINTEREST. Without Pinterest, my only follower would be my mom. Truth. 

I NOMINATE...

(drumroll) 

Emily at Of Seeds and Thorns
Alex at The Shellhammer
Tara at Girlish Blunders
Ericka at Creative Liar
Meredith at Church Avenue Chomp

My Questions for the Nominees

1. Describe your best birthday ever.

2. If you had all of the talent and ability in the world, what career would you pursue?

3. What is your spirit animal?

4. What is something that irritates you and why?

5. Which is better: ants or aliens? Please provide an educated response. 

6. Where is your "second home"?

7. What is your favorite blog post you've ever written?

8. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

9. What are some products that you love?

10. What is your least favorite sound? (I borrowed this one from James Lipton)

11. Do you have a favorite quote or saying? If not, make one up. I'm not going to fault you. 

What the WHAT?!

It's kind of like when you eat a cashew, and then you look down and notice that your skin is slightly irritated. You think to yourself, meh...maybe it's a mosquito bite. I'm just going to keep loving on these cashews.

But then you wake up in the morning and you are covered, head to toe, in hives. Your entire body is practically a hive. You realize you are allergic to cashews, and you mourn that thought for a minute...and then you go to the hospital.

THAT is what it was like to write a blog post, think nothing of it, and then all of a sudden realize that it's been read 60,000 times and counting!

Only it's not at all like getting hives and going to the hospital. It's too wonderful for that kind of comparison, but I just love the visual too much to let it go.

Anyway, I am floored by the overwhelmingly positive response to my last post, If I Had it Do All Over: Wedding Planning. Thanks to everyone who read it and said such kind things about it! 

When I saw that so many folks from all over were reading it and repinning it, I started to get a little nervous. I mean, the internet can be a cruel place. I thought it was only a matter of time before people were going to start condemning me via the comments-section. 

You could have been like...

or

or even

(It seriously took me like 30 seconds to find those comments on the first Youtube video I clicked on)

But you weren't like that at all! You were all like...

and

and for those of you who are about to get married, you were like

because you're about to get married, and my mistakes will not be repeated at your wedding!

Anyway, thanks to you all! Keep reading. I promise to be self-depracating, helpful, and not post too many instagrams of my cat.

Except for this one...

Handling the Pressure

When I was in 5th grade, Helotes Elementary celebrated its 100th anniversary. To commemorate this centennial, it was decided that the students would put on a variety show that showcased every decade in American history since the school began.  Each grade was assigned two decades and we were tasked with representing these periods of time through song and dance. My class was responsible for depicting the 1960s and The Future.

Obviously, most everyone was very consumed with how to best represent what the future would be like. We all had so many questions.

What kind of music and dancing will be popular in the future? Will Lindsay Lohan win an oscar? Will gel pens still be cool? What percentage of our population will be robots? Will robots be able to breed with humans? How? How popular will cloning be? Will it be a simple process by then where you just step into some sort of booth at the mall and you walk out with a clone? Will we be friends, me and the clone? Will we clone anyone famous? Will we clone AJ McLean from the Backstreet Boys? Should we clone AJ McLean from the Backstreet Boys? Will my Tamagotchi still be alive? Will I ever get married?

Do we need more than one of these?

These were the sorts of questions flying around our 5th grade class. So obsessed was everyone with questioning the future, that most of us forgot about the fact that we also had to portray the 1960s - everyone, that is, except me and a brave boy named Travis.

Travis and I were cast as Sonny and Cher to lip sync to the song "I Got You, Babe". I'm not sure Travis knew what he was signing up for but I, on the other hand, pleaded for this role with my life. From the earliest days of my youth, Cher has been my hero. Below is a prime example of why.

The hair flips. The rhinestones. The incredible dresses. That deep bow-wow voice. That part in every song where she starts to break it down and takes off her ridiculous robe as though she can't be tamed. That moment when the announcer says, "Ladies and gentlemen...Cher". 

At ten-years-old, this is basically all I wanted out of my life. With gladness, I took on this role. This meant that I couldn't be in the segment about the future, which was fine because they had decided to do a rendition of Stomp which I was pretty sure we would not be doing in the future (it was around this time that I also predicted the invention of the iPhone).

Travis and I would rehearse with our music teacher every day, and I proudly bragged from Day 1 that I already knew all of the words. So enthused by my spirit was my music teacher that she actually lent me one of her dresses to wear for the performance. It fit like a glove (remember that I was ten and she was thirty, so you can imagine how kind puberty was already being to me at this age).

On the day of the performance, I was beaming with confidence. They had given me a beehive wig which I felt was decidedly not Cher-like, but I was fine with that. Travis had a wig and beard combo that covered his entire face, making him look somewhat like a wookie. He had been struggling to remember the lyrics in rehearsals, and I was certain that I would have to carry this guy through the entire performance.

Despite my frustration with my Sonny, I was chomping at the bit to go on. When I envisioned that moment onstage, I thought that the curtain would open on a breathless audience. After watching my mistake-free performance and my effortless hair flips, the crowd would erupt in applause, many in tears. It did not occur to me for even one second that this could be construed as funny -- that children doing an impersonation of Sonny and Cher was anything less than a brilliant portrayal of, and homage to, pop culture icons.

This is why when the curtain raised and every parent in the audience was laughing hysterically, I did not know what to think. It's Travis, isn't it?  He's forgetting all of his words. No wait, he's actually doing fine. It's got to be this wig then. Ugh, this wig. Cher would never wear this wig.

It eventually donned on me that it wasn't my wig and it wasn't even my incompetent partner. I was a kid in a dress doing a weak impersonation. I was a fifth grader -- I wasn't Cher.

I remember that instead of mouthing the lyrics to my favorite song, I ended up freezing up there with a beehive wig on my head and a boy half my size on my arm. I wanted everyone to just stop laughing and listen. If they would just listen, maybe they would appreciate how soulful a woman I truly was, but that didn't happen.

At the end, I ran offstage humiliated and listened to the muffled sounds of the rest of my class stomping to the music of the future. I wondered about my future and whether an announcer would ever say "Ladies and gentlemen...Christy".

If I Had It To Do All Over: Wedding Planning

A working knowledge of 90s country music was an essential and inescapable aspect of growing up in Helotes, Texas. In PE, we would run laps to Shania Twain's "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" and we would often quote George Strait's "Check Yes or No" in carefully crafted love letters. No matter what level of hipster you are, if you grew up in Helotes, chances are you know this song by Alan Jackson (don't deny it).

This song came into my mind recently when I was thinking back on my wedding day. Like my good friend Alan here, I would marry the same person all over again. His name is Daniel. He looks like this:

On our wedding day, he looked like this:

Obviously, it's a no-brainer. Given the chance to redo my wedding, I would choose Daniel every single time. However, there are some things that I would definitely do differently. Don't get me wrong -- I loved my wedding. It was the best day ever. Most of my regrets are just details that stem from the fact that Pinterest became a big thing about a minute after we said "I do". Now I have a constant feed of incredible wedding ideas that seemed otherwise unavailable to me at the time that I was planning my wedding. 

Anyway, I don't have it to do all over, but maybe my hindsight could be someone else's foresight. Here now, for your bridal edification, is my list of Wedding Planning Do-Overs:

Do-over #1: I would wear an objectively sane outfit 

whilst getting ready.

If you can't make out exactly what is happening in the above picture, that is because it is a HOT MESS. I am wearing bright pink shorts and a tank top that features a rhinestone octopus. Grace Kelly wore a similar ensemble the morning of her wedding (in a nightmare that David Tutera once had). My bra straps are proudly visible and I am eating Wheat Thins like it is my job. Feel free to Pin this because it's clearly a style you will want to emulate on the most important day of your life.

Wait. I can't even joke about that. Don't save this picture to your Pinterest or anywhere, for that matter. Forget you ever saw it. Always remember that you could be immortalized in a photograph at any moment during the day of your wedding. Just channel Beyoncé and everything will be fine. Flee from bedazzled sea creatures. Hide your bra straps like your life depends on it. Wear a delicate robe like this:

Pssst...if you're totally smitten, here's a link to buy this robe!

and stop eating all of the Wheat Thins (although, seriously, how can you?). 

Do-over #2: I would paint the soles of my shoes blue.

via

I don't really get the point of most wedding traditions (throwing rice kills birds and garters itch like hell), but I wanted to adhere to them because it was like a game for me. I don't think I had something blue, which probably destines Daniel and I for destruction. I could have prevented that if I'd painted my soles blue. Plus, they'd be so cute in pictures! If you're digging this idea, there are also some fabulous slip resistant sole stickers that might be a better temporary solution.

Do-over #3: I would have a videographer.

Ladies (and gentlemen maybe?), I am here to tell you that, regrettably, I do not have video footage from my wedding. 

You are crying for me right now. I know it. This is the saddest thing you've heard all day.

Trying to do as much as possible on the cheap, I thought that moving images from that day would be something I could do without. What a fool I was. I would give anything for any kind of video documentation of our wedding. 

Get a videographer, folks. If you cannot afford a videographer, slap a GoPro on the head of your five-year-old cousin and see what happens (this is actually an amazing idea. Do this regardless of your financial situation.) There is so much going on (drunk people fighting, amazing dance moves, YOU WALKING DOWN THE AISLE). You will miss something, and a video is a great way to relive it. 

You probably already knew this. I'm the only idiot I know who doesn't have a wedding video.

There is a silver lining, though. I had an amazing photographer (Lauren Guy Summersett...book her) who captured so much of my day in great detail. Without video, I am able to leave pictures like the following up for hilarious interpretation:

Do-over #4: I would remember to smile 

when walking down the aisle.

I super dropped the ball on this one. In imaging myself walking down the aisle, I always assumed I might cry a little. I mean, I once cried watching an episode of Full House. To be fair though, it was the episode where Papouli dies, and I had mono so I was a little disoriented. 

Anyway, I was prepared to shed a tear, but nothing really could have prepared me for the moment those doors opened, and this amazing song was being beautifully sung, and my husband was standing there waiting for me. There's just nothing like that.

And it wasn't a pretty cry. Smiling through the tears was the last thing on my mind. I was a mess. 

The picture above is the BEST picture of me walking down the aisle. At best, I look slightly annoyed. At worst, I look like I've fallen asleep midway through. So remember to smile, ladies! Your photographer will thank you.

Do-over #5: I would recommend that my guests use a hashtag (#oshoneywedding) for Twitter and Instagram.

via

I saw something like this on Pinterest like two weeks after my wedding and I was like....

It was very upsetting. Why oh why didn't I think of that?! I love hashtags. I love seeing pictures of myself with an X Pro II filter. It is the perfect marriage of things I love. 

We are now well into the 2000s at this point, people. Unless you do not care about this kind of thing, you have no excuse not to post a hashtag at your wedding. Not to be dramatic, but you might be clinically insane if you do not do this. I'm just saying...

Do-over #6: I would honor, in some major way, everyone who helped with our wedding. 

I could not be more thankful to the people who were a part of our wedding. Literally everyone who was there did something incredible for us. My dad risked his life hanging papel picado all over our reception space. We had four of the most giving women I've ever known literally set up every other decoration. Our musicians were our incredibly talented friends who set the tone for our beautiful ceremony. My five bridesmaids were rock stars. Emily and her now fiance, Michael, put together our entire rehearsal dinner. Kaley wrote and performed a song as her wedding toast. Lara traveled all the way from Knoxville so that I could steal the covers from her in the bed we shared the night before the wedding. My sister, Johanna, fed me grapes like I was Cleopatra or something. Daniel's sister, Jessica made me laugh so hard I almost died. 

We gave some small gifts to everyone, but I wish we had done so much more. As much as a wedding is about the bride and groom, it is so much also about all of the beautiful people that God puts in your life. There are two things from that day that will always be crystal clear memories for me. The first is when I walked down the aisle to Daniel. The second is this moment:

All of these selfless, wonderful people who have my deepest respect and love decided to dance like fools around us as Daniel and I danced to "Dream a Little Dream of Me". It was kind of perfect, and it was a moment that embodied exactly how loved we felt on that day. 

When we get famous, we'll probably buy all of these people corvettes or at least Target gift cards or something. 

Lastly, Do-over #7: I would have bought something nice on which to hang my dress.

Plastic hangers make the most expensive item of clothing of your life look like it was bought off the rack at Marshall's (no judgement if it was). 

Get yourself one of those pretty wooden hangers like they have at Anthropologie. Better yet, get one of these fancy hangers where the wire identifies who you are. You'll be glad you did. 

Buy this one here! 

There you have it. These are just a few small regrets from a day that brought me so much joy that I still can't stop talking about it. Just so you don't leave this post thinking that I regret my marriage, it is probably a good idea to show you some things from my wedding that I got right.

My Wedding Do-All-Over-Agains

1. I would wear this dress.

and I would make this same I-know-I-look-good face

2. I would spend the day with these beautiful women.

3. I would have a whimsical theme and not care if anyone thinks it's weird.

4. I would shake this maraca.

5. I would do my own makeup so that I don't end up looking like this:

6. I would have it in Austin, Texas.

Vintage Villas

7. I would marry this guy...all over again.

Please share this post on Pinterest and elsewhere so that future brides can learn from my not-so-terrible mistakes! If you'd like to learn about more ways to avoid weird mistakes in life, feel free to follow Avoiding Atrophy (in the column on the right side) because seriously I write about this junk all the time. 

Move on to Part Two of this post for even more Wedding Do-Overs! 

Lastly, I've compiled some product ideas from this post below. Hope these are helpful in prepping for your super stellar upcoming wedding!

What are some of your wedding planning do-overs?