I am immediately regretting the promise I made yesterday to blog every day this week. You'd think that with such confidence, I would have at least had some topics lined up, but NOPE.
I literally came back from a happy hour with my beautiful friend Alex (writer of the lovely blog, The Shellhammer) and remembered that I had made this commitment. After staring at my computer, my feet, and let's be honest, a little Buzzfeed for the past thirty minutes, I started instant messaging my husband, Daniel, on gchat about my writer's block.
To be clear, he was in the living room, and I was in our bedroom. There was really no need for us to be on gchat with each other, but hopefully you won't judge us too harshly for that. Actually, instant messaging is a tradition in which our relationship is deeply rooted. In high school, we would chat via AOL instant messenger (AIM) under the screen names englishmuffin89 and dorkathart14 (which do you think Daniel was?) for hours and hours at a time. When we would end our chat with the traditional "g2g", I would immediately save our conversations in a little folder that I had cleverly named "Spanish" so that my sister wouldn't find it on our shared computer. It remains to this day one of the most stalker-like things I have ever done.
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| In case you've forgotten what AIM looks like, here it is. Also, is it just me, or is this conversation just absolutely ripe with sexual tension? |
What you are about to read is our conversation this evening, which I'm bringing to you for two reasons. 1) I am too exhausted to write anything else, and 2) I think there is value in seeing how married people talk to each other, even if they are just being a couple of weirdos. Most of this chat involves our plan for the zombie apocalypse, none of it involves proper punctuation or capitalization, and all of it involves the two of us just flirting.
Also, by the way, if you've stopped flirting with your husband, you are doing it wrong.
 | Christy |
| i can't write anything | |
| i think i am dead |
 | Daniel |
| you can! | |
| Christy |
| no i am a zombie | |
| Daniel |
| Write about Frasier | |
| Christy |
| and i want to eat your brains | |
| Daniel |
| write about not being able to write | |
| write about zombies | |
| write from a new point of view | |
| Christy |
| i don't think i have very strong feelings about zombies | |
| except that i don't want to be one | |
| Daniel |
| haha, then write about that | |
| Christy |
| i think i would be a really sad, hungry zombie | |
| i hope you know that at this point, this gchat is my blog post | |
| do you think zombies will ever happen? | |
| and if so, are we ready? | |
| Daniel |
| We are not 100% ready | |
| we don't have a good way to get clean water | |
| Christy |
| hmmm | |
| Daniel |
| and we don't have enough non-perishable foods | |
| Christy |
| i have heard that in dire situations, people drink their own urine | |
| thoughts? | |
| also, one time you bought us campbell's chicken and stars, and i am sure as hell not eating that until the zombie apocalypse, so i think we're good | |
| right? | |
| Daniel |
| yeah, so what you have to picture is us hiking out of new york city on foot | |
| Christy |
| on foot? | |
| we have a car! | |
| Daniel |
| Sure because all the highways will be backed up and you don't want to be trapped in a car when the zombies come | |
| I mean we would drive as far as we could | |
| Christy |
| how far? | |
| Daniel |
| We would head down towards Staten Island and then over into New Jersey | |
| but I assume we wouldn't even make it into New Jersey before traffic stopped all the way | |
| Christy |
| crap, i don't want to get stuck on a bridge though | |
| Daniel |
| I mean, you can walk off a bridge | |
| Christy |
| better than getting stuck in a tunnel, i guess | |
| yeah | |
| Daniel |
| and we're safer on Staten Island than on Manhattan | |
| which is also an island but with millions more people | |
| Christy |
| wait wait wait | |
| do zombies have the wherewithal to operate heavy machinery? | |
| because then my plan changes drastically | |
| Daniel |
| Nope. All they can do it walk and bump into things | |
| Christy |
| oh, well i think we'll be okay then | |
| wait | |
| but seriously | |
| if i got bitten.... | |
| Daniel |
| I would first try to amputate the limb that got bitten | |
| Christy |
| it bit my stomach | |
| Daniel |
| And then if that didn't work I wold wait until you became a zombie and then kill you | |
| Christy |
| you wouldn't just keep me on a leash or something? | |
| Daniel |
| I could... | |
| In the Walking Dead there's a lady who does that | |
| Christy |
| aw, that's cute | |
| Daniel |
| but she cut off the lower jaw of those two zombies, so they couldn't bite her | |
| Christy |
| this is why i watch toddlers and tiaras | |
| just so you know, i'd keep you on a leash | |
| i think | |
| Daniel |
| Yup. The zompocalypse is a little more gruesome than baby pageants. | |
| Christy |
| slighlty | |
| zompacalypse? | |
| that word is ridiculous | |
| Daniel |
| yeah, well you spelled it wrong | |
| Christy |
| that is why it's so ridiculous | |
| not because you integrated two words into one nonsense word that no one is using right now | |
| but question | |
| let's say we go to a bodega | |
| and we get a diet dr. pepper and a coke | |
| as per usual | |
| and the clerk asks us for $2.75 | |
| and we give it to him | |
| and then he snarls and tries to bite your face off | |
| he doesn't succeed though | |
| then do we leave new york? | |
| or do we wait for more people to become infected? | |
| Daniel |
| Gosh | |
| I would say we head home and start packing and make some plans | |
| and do some reseasrch | |
| Christy |
| what apps would we use? | |
| Daniel |
| I would say yes to leaving though because it would be better to be safe than sorry | |
| I wouldn't want to get stuck in traffic | |
| I would download all the survival guide and navigational apps available | |
| Christy |
| good call | |
| Daniel |
| like what you can eat outside and stuff | |
| Christy |
| huh? | |
| Danie |
| Like I would get an app that could tell me that | |
| also download survival books on kindle | |
| Christy |
| also the bible app | |
| don't forget that | |
| Daniel O'Shoney |
| I already have that | |
| Christy |
| i just looked up zombies on pinterest and i found this picture | |
| http://media-cache-ak2.pinimg. | |
| that's mean | |
| right? | |
| Danie |
| yeah, for sure | |
| Christy |
| i also found this absolutely awful zombie makeup | |
| http://media-cache-ec3.pinimg. | |
| Daniel |
| I guess she didn't want makeup in her hair? | |
| Christy |
| if she's a zombie, i'm beyonce | |
| hey, what movie is scarier in actuality-- world war z or space jam? | |
| like if you were brad pitt or michael jordan in either of those movies? | |
| but in real life? | |
| Daniel |
| Yeah, I get what you're going for | |
| because I would be freaked out if I got pulled to a cartoon world in the center of the earth through a golf hole | |
| Christy |
| right | |
| Daniel |
| but I still think it would be scarier to get chased around by things that want to bite me and kill me and turn me into one of them. | |
| Christy |
| yeah, but the looney tunes are the worst | |
| please tell me you never wore clothes with the looney tunes on them | |
| the only acceptable one is marvin the martian | |
| Daniel |
| nope never | |
| Christy |
| this, above all other things, is why i married you | |
| Danie |
| I WOULD however wear this sweatshirt every day of my life | |
| http://www.etsy.com/listing/ | |
| Christy Lammert |
| .... | |
| Daniel O'Shoney |
| I am not kidding |
The conversation sort of devolved after this point, but you get the picture -- we are just a couple of absolute weirdos.
Are you in a committed relationship? Are you guys still flirting? How's that going? Tell me all about it in the comments section!
P.S. This post screwed up some formatting on my blog because I copied and pasted our gchat, but Blogger thinks it's actually a giant picture. That's why my homepage only has this one entry on it. Feel free to just click "older posts" to see pretty much everything else I've ever written because I don't super feel like figuring out how to fix this.
My real question with zombies is - can they swim? BECAUSE if they can swim, then we are all fucked. BUT if not then I am totally going to make my way to some island paradise and be safe FOREVER.
ReplyDeleteHoly crap. Excellent question. I asked my husband who has read extensively on the subject, and he says that zombies can't swim, but they can walk on the bottom of the ocean. So yeah, we're all screwed.
DeleteI wondered if maybe they'd be able to go all Pirates of the Caribbean on us. My other thought was - would they potentially be too delicate to do that? The pressures on the sea floor would surely crush the slowly decaying, and falling down one of those caverns where the angler fish are is another risk. BUT this raises yet another question - if fish eat them (likely), would the fish turn into zombies? Would we have zombie sharks? Zombie seals because they eat fish?
DeleteYou realize you just boosted that sweatshirt person's sales by INCREDIBLE amounts. Ask for a commission. ;-)
ReplyDeleteHaha! I was pretty hesitant when Daniel showed me at first, but when I really look at it, that is seriously a mad cool sweatshirt.
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