Wednesday, July 3, 2013

A Google Chat with My Husband

I am immediately regretting the promise I made yesterday to blog every day this week. You'd think that with such confidence, I would have at least had some topics lined up, but NOPE.



I literally came back from a happy hour with my beautiful friend Alex (writer of the lovely blog, The Shellhammer) and remembered that I had made this commitment. After staring at my computer, my feet, and let's be honest, a little Buzzfeed for the past thirty minutes, I started instant messaging my husband, Daniel, on gchat about my writer's block.

To be clear, he was in the living room, and I was in our bedroom. There was really no need for us to be on gchat with each other, but hopefully you won't judge us too harshly for that. Actually, instant messaging is a tradition in which our relationship is deeply rooted. In high school, we would chat via AOL instant messenger (AIM) under the screen names englishmuffin89 and dorkathart14 (which do you think Daniel was?) for hours and hours at a time. When we would end our chat with the traditional "g2g", I would immediately save our conversations in a little folder that I had cleverly named "Spanish" so that my sister wouldn't find it on our shared computer. It remains to this day one of the most stalker-like things I have ever done.

In case you've forgotten what AIM looks like, here it is. Also, is it just me, or is this conversation just absolutely ripe with sexual tension?
Now almost two years into our marriage, we rarely use instant messaging largely because we live together and we are not fifteen-years-old. But there is a certain art that I believe exists in this medium that should not be discounted which surrounds the gift of being able to record your dialogue. How often have you wondered what was actually said in a real-life conversation and wished that someone could present the transcript to you? Boom. Instant messaging.

What you are about to read is our conversation this evening, which I'm bringing to you for two reasons. 1) I am too exhausted to write anything else, and 2) I think there is value in seeing how married people talk to each other, even if they are just being a couple of weirdos. Most of this chat involves our plan for the zombie apocalypse, none of it involves proper punctuation or capitalization, and all of it involves the two of us just flirting.

Also, by the way, if you've stopped flirting with your husband, you are doing it wrong.


Christy LammertChristy 
i can't write anything 
i think i am dead 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel 
you can! 
Christy LammertChristy 
no i am a zombie 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel 
Write about Frasier 
Christy LammertChristy 
and i want to eat your brains 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel 
write about not being able to write 
write about zombies 
write from a new point of view 
Christy LammertChristy 
i don't think i have very strong feelings about zombies 
except that i don't want to be one 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel 
haha, then write about that 
Christy LammertChristy 
i think i would be a really sad, hungry zombie 
i hope you know that at this point, this gchat is my blog post 
do you think zombies will ever happen? 
and if so, are we ready? 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel 
We are not 100% ready 
we don't have a good way to get clean water 
Christy LammertChristy
hmmm 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel 
and we don't have enough non-perishable foods 
Christy LammertChristy 
i have heard that in dire situations, people drink their own urine 
thoughts? 
also, one time you bought us campbell's chicken and stars, and i am sure as hell not eating that until the zombie apocalypse, so i think we're good 
right? 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel 
yeah, so what you have to picture is us hiking out of new york city on foot 
Christy LammertChristy 
on foot? 
we have a car! 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel
Sure because all the highways will be backed up and you don't want to be trapped in a car when the zombies come
I mean we would drive as far as we could 
Christy LammertChristy 
how far? 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel 
We would head down towards Staten Island and then over into New Jersey  
but I assume we wouldn't even make it into New Jersey before traffic stopped all the way 
Christy LammertChristy
crap, i don't want to get stuck on a bridge though 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel 
I mean, you can walk off a bridge 
Christy LammertChristy 
better than getting stuck in a tunnel, i guess 
yeah 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel 
and we're safer on Staten Island than on Manhattan 
which is also an island but with millions more people 
Christy LammertChristy 
wait wait wait 
do zombies have the wherewithal to operate heavy machinery? 
because then my plan changes drastically 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel 
Nope. All they can do it walk and bump into things 
Christy LammertChristy 
oh, well i think we'll be okay then 
wait 
but seriously 
if i got bitten.... 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel 
I would first try to amputate the limb that got bitten 
Christy LammertChristy 
it bit my stomach 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel 
And then if that didn't work I wold wait until you became a zombie and then kill you 
Christy LammertChristy 
you wouldn't just keep me on a leash or something? 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel 
I could... 
In the Walking Dead there's a lady who does that 
Christy LammertChristy
aw, that's cute 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel 
but she cut off the lower jaw of those two zombies, so they couldn't bite her 
Christy LammertChristy
this is why i watch toddlers and tiaras 
just so you know, i'd keep you on a leash 
i think 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel
Yup. The zompocalypse is a little more gruesome than baby pageants. 
Christy LammertChristy
slighlty 
zompacalypse? 
that word is ridiculous 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel
yeah, well you spelled it wrong 
Christy LammertChristy 

that is why it's so ridiculous 
not because you integrated two words into one nonsense word that no one is using right now 
but question 
let's say we go to a bodega 
and we get a diet dr. pepper and a coke 
as per usual 
and the clerk asks us for $2.75 
and we give it to him 
and then he snarls and tries to bite your face off 
he doesn't succeed though 
then do we leave new york? 
or do we wait for more people to become infected? 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel 
Gosh 
I would say we head home and start packing and make some plans 
and do some reseasrch 
Christy LammertChristy 
what apps would we use? 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel 
I would say yes to leaving though because it would be better to be safe than sorry 
I wouldn't want to get stuck in traffic 
I would download all the survival guide and navigational apps available 
Christy LammertChristy
good call 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel
like what you can eat outside and stuff 
Christy LammertChristy
huh? 
Daniel O'ShoneyDanie
Like I would get an app that could tell me that 
also download survival books on kindle 
Christy LammertChristy
also the bible app 
don't forget that 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel O'Shoney
I already have that 
Christy LammertChristy
i just looked up zombies on pinterest and i found this picture 
http://media-cache-ak2.pinimg.com/originals/af/b7/87/afb787e58985006aef04f02c9a75226f.jpg 
that's mean 
right? 
Daniel O'ShoneyDanie
yeah, for sure 
Christy LammertChristy
i also found this absolutely awful zombie makeup 
http://media-cache-ec3.pinimg.com/originals/1b/4e/70/1b4e706d6e403d106c5261378ed9c9af.jpg 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel
I guess she didn't want makeup in her hair? 
Christy LammertChristy
if she's a zombie, i'm beyonce
hey, what movie is scarier in actuality-- world war z or space jam? 
like if you were brad pitt or michael jordan in either of those movies? 
but in real life? 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel
Yeah, I get what you're going for 
because I would be freaked out if I got pulled to a cartoon world in the center of the earth through a golf hole 
Christy LammertChristy
right 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel
but I still think it would be scarier to get chased around by things that want to bite me and kill me and turn me into one of them.  
Christy LammertChristy
yeah, but the looney tunes are the worst 
please tell me you never wore clothes with the looney tunes on them 
the only acceptable one is marvin the martian 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel
nope never 
Christy LammertChristy
this, above all other things, is why i married you 
Daniel O'ShoneyDanie
I WOULD however wear this sweatshirt every day of my life 
http://www.etsy.com/listing/150504396/duncan-armored-knight-hoodie100-handmade?ref=shop_home_feat 
Christy LammertChristy Lammert
.... 
Daniel O'ShoneyDaniel O'Shoney
I am not kidding 

The conversation sort of devolved after this point, but you get the picture -- we are just a couple of absolute weirdos.

Are you in a committed relationship? Are you guys still flirting? How's that going? Tell me all about it in the comments section! 



P.S. This post screwed up some formatting on my blog because I copied and pasted our gchat, but Blogger thinks it's actually a giant picture. That's why my homepage only has this one entry on it. Feel free to just click "older posts" to see pretty much everything else I've ever written because I don't super feel like figuring out how to fix this. 

5 comments:

  1. My real question with zombies is - can they swim? BECAUSE if they can swim, then we are all fucked. BUT if not then I am totally going to make my way to some island paradise and be safe FOREVER.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Holy crap. Excellent question. I asked my husband who has read extensively on the subject, and he says that zombies can't swim, but they can walk on the bottom of the ocean. So yeah, we're all screwed.

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    2. I wondered if maybe they'd be able to go all Pirates of the Caribbean on us. My other thought was - would they potentially be too delicate to do that? The pressures on the sea floor would surely crush the slowly decaying, and falling down one of those caverns where the angler fish are is another risk. BUT this raises yet another question - if fish eat them (likely), would the fish turn into zombies? Would we have zombie sharks? Zombie seals because they eat fish?

      Delete
  2. You realize you just boosted that sweatshirt person's sales by INCREDIBLE amounts. Ask for a commission. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! I was pretty hesitant when Daniel showed me at first, but when I really look at it, that is seriously a mad cool sweatshirt.

      Delete

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